Warning: This Post Contains Sensitive Content
My plan isn’t to write a memoir. However, for you to trust that I have some experience with forgiveness, I will share some of my backstory. As a young boy, someone who I spent a regular amount of time with betrayed my trust. He repeatedly molested me. This person was a neighbor boy who was quite a few years older than I was at the time. Over the course of several months, he stripped me of my innocence. That sinful act started me on a path of darkness that would consume much of my life.
This was only the beginning of the many things that sent me into a spiral of unforgiveness. Shame, rage, bitterness, and resentment were my typical emotions, but the list goes on and on. The problem wasn’t so much that I was molested. Sure, it was a terrible thing and my heart breaks for victims of similar situations. Really the problem was with the weight that I carried around in the wake of what had happened. I was sure no one in my life would believe me, so I did my best to hide what happened. In doing so, I stuffed down the pain of the molestation for years.
The Weight We Carry
When I was a teenager and could no longer keep it contained, I spoke up. However, the people who I told (loving and wonderful as they were) couldn’t believe that it had happened. This only reinforced what I had known all along by refusing to acknowledge what was done to me. That action led to a resentment and anger that swelled up inside of me. Eventually it got to the point where I spent days and nights plotting revenge. Unsure what I’d do to the individual, should I ever see them again. I fantasized about what I would say, or worse, what I would do if I managed to get them alone.
It was like I was carrying that person around with me everywhere I went. No matter what I was doing, the thoughts would creep in. I couldn’t sleep. I went through bouts of anorexia, I even contemplated suicide a few times just to escape the pain. Chains tied me to the person who molested me. And what was more, I was suffering from addiction to pornography. I developed a sexual addiction, nicotine addiction, and anything else I could use as a crutch to escape the pain. All of this resulted in an overly addictive personality – which I still struggle with to this day.
The Darkness of Non-Forgiveness
It was such a dark time in my life. Even though I was raised with a somewhat Biblical foundation, by the time I was 20 I renounced God. Choosing rather, to hate Him than to accept that He would let an “innocent” boy suffer. Hear me when I say this in love – there is not one of us that is innocent. The thought of blaming God for an “innocent” suffering is just plain foolish – but that is how I felt. Do I think that anyone deserves to be sexually assaulted or abused? Absolutely not – but calling myself innocent is a sin and of itself. Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins. (Ecclesiastes 7:20 – NIV)
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get rid of the awful things I endured as a child. I couldn’t get my abuser out of my head. What’s more, I certainly couldn’t believe that an “all loving” God existed. Not given my circumstances. My resentment toward my molester had turned to a hatred of everything I thought God was and stood for. I called myself an atheist, but really, I was an anti-theist. I believed in God sure; I just couldn’t forgive Him for what I perceived as His wrath against me.
It’s All Different Now
Today, I can’t express how glad I am that I had it all wrong. God’s plan is something I can’t presume to know. But I am certain that He is a good Father and He redeems all things. I know now that it wasn’t God’s doing that caused my pain. It was the acts of a world of sin and fallen sinners. I have no false ideas that He put me through being molested so that I can help others. Being a good Daddy means he wouldn’t willingly push me into an evil situation. What I have come to realize though, is even better. Given my choices and actions, He has forgiven me completely. Not only that, but He has allowed me to use those outcomes to help others.
You see, I’ve learned that forgiveness is not really for the one we are forgiving – but rather it’s for us. The commandments point out our need for a savior. It is through the law that we find comfort, protection, wisdom, love, grace, peace, kindness, and gentleness. Forgiveness oftentimes doesn’t even really affect the one we have forgiven. Many of the people I have forgiven didn’t deserve it. Several didn’t ask for it. Quite frankly, almost none even care that they have received it. But what I have gotten out of learning the discipline of forgiveness is priceless. I’ve been given a lighter load, a cleaner conscience, and supernatural peace.
A Road We All Travel
I’m sure if you think really hard about it, you have been on the receiving end of forgiveness. Hopefully, you’ve been on the giving side too. I would guess you can think of examples of some people who you know to be forgiving. Unfortunately, you can probably think of more examples of those who are unforgiving. Compare the personalities of the two groups in your head. Which one seems to have a greater joy in life? The ones who forgive or the ones who harbor their anger? I’d venture to say you and I have the same thought on those two groups of people.
Over the next several chapters I am going to look at scriptural evidence I have for my perspective on forgiveness. I will share some personal stories about my own path and the paths of others I know. Of course, I will also offer some discipline building exercises that help to grow the muscle of forgiveness. If you are not ready to go down this difficult but oh-so-rewarding journey, then now’s the time to abandon ship. Forgiveness takes hard work and grit. But, if you’ve made it this far and you’re ready to break free of the chains of unforgiveness, then read on. Buckle up buttercup, cause we’re gonna get deep.
End of chapter study questions
At the end of each chapter, I have added some questions. Perhaps you are going through this [book] as a part of a Bible Study. Maybe you are just someone who, like me, likes to journal about your feelings as you’re wrestling with new material. No matter what your preference, I hope you find the questions thought provoking and helpful. If you choose to answer them, leave me a comment! This first set of questions is merely a ‘heart check’ to see where you are in your journey of forgiveness.
1. If you were to honestly assess yourself, would you say that you were generally a forgiving person, or an unforgiving person?
2. If you tend to be unforgiving, what has been the hardest thing for you to extend forgiveness to others?
3. Who in your life is a good example of what being forgiving looks like?